My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
