Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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