Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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