Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
