Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
