I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
