dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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