Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
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Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
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He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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