i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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