I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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