she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
