i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
