Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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