i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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