im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
