if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
