I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
