Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
