just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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