I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I looked at my own cervix.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
