She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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