tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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