at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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