I wish I could teleport
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
