You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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