Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
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