You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Randomize
