I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
