he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
