halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
