remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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