Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you didnt know i had herpes?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
