nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
My life is pants optional.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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