I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
