Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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