we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
