Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
