Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My vagina is officially offended.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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