i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
