matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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