I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
