also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
