I showed him my bush... on skype.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
