Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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