walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
