I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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