I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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