my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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