How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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