it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
