I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
