dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
