What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
