I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
