he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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