Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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