Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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