Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
