why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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