Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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